by Kenneth Gardner
[Timeline: Just before the dinner scene in "The Empire Strikes Back" where Lando Calrissian betrayed his friends. Instead, the entire group is invited to a talk show a la Jerry Springer in this somewhat alternate universe.]
[Scene: A talk show set. The audience is applauding, and the host has just stepped out]
JERRY: Today we are going to talk with people who have a desire to confront their friends and family. Joining us now is Luke and his girlfriend Leia. (Camera shifts to Luke and Leia occupying the stage, sitting in chairs next to each other holding hands.) Now Luke is a young man who's been in and out of trouble with the law but he says that he wouldn't be in so much trouble if it weren't for one man; a man Luke claims killed his father, his family, and his friend, but was never charged with the crime and is still walking free. (Audience gasps, horrified) Luke, would you like to explain a bit further?
LUKE: (In his Bespin Cloud tan jacket unbuttoned, with a white wife beater tee-shirt underneath, an earring in one ear, goatee, and cut up blue jeans). Yeah. It all goes back to my Aunt and Uncle. They never told me anything about my father; only that he was killed in the war and that he was a navigator on a spice freighter. I had some fancy ideas that he was some sort of intergalactic hippie-stoner from the 3460's, what with all the spices he was dealing with and with the name Skywalker and all, but every time I brought it up I'd hear "I told you to forget about it."
JERRY: It must have been hard on you growing up.
LUKE: It was! I mean, I never got to know anything about him; it was like he never existed. That is until I found out all about him from Ben.
JERRY: And Ben was the old man who befriended you.
LUKE: Yeah. He told me the truth about my father.
JERRY: Now before we go on, tell me how did you and Ben meet, and tell me about the lady sitting next to you.
LUKE: Well, actually it all goes back to her. (Luke motions to Leia, who is sitting next to him. Leia is dressed as though she's a stripper - in her Jabba's palace outfit, with her hair done up in the classic cinnamon bun.) She got busted because of her father. Apparently he had hidden something in her ship and tried to have it smuggled, and she was the one that got busted for it.
JERRY: She was arrested.
LUKE: Yeah, but they never found anything. She was smart. As soon as the cops (storm troopers) busted down the door, she had found what her father was trying to smuggle and had it ejected out of the ship along with two reject droids.
JERRY: But they held her anyhow.
LUKE: Yeah - and get this. The same dude responsible for murdering my father and my friend also was the same guy who threw Leia in jail.
JERRY: (To Leia) So you were in prison.
LEIA: I was on death row.
JERRY: You were sentenced to death?!? (Crowd resounding the hosts cry, gasps in horror)
LEIA: Oh yes. No lawyer, no trial, no rights whatsoever. But even that's not the worst of it! He drugged me - either to try to find out what had happened to the stuff my father had hidden or to get into my pants - I don't know. I was too stoned to remember but I wasn't about to give that bastard anything! And he dressed in all in black - like some sort of sex pervert. And he had this mask, and kept on breathing really heavy - like some prank caller. I don't give a damn if my father used me or not - this guy was a total creep. Not that it matters anyhow, now that my father is dead.
JERRY: He murdered your father as well?
LEIA: That wasn't good enough for him. He blew up my entire home planet, killing everyone on it. All my friends, all my relatives. (Leia cries while the crowd roars.)
JERRY: (To Luke) I understand you rescued this young woman as well.
LUKE: Yeah. Ben and me hooked up with these two other guys and busted her out of prison. That was when Ben died.
JERRY: Well, I can certainly see there is plenty of reason you want to meet and confront this man. How about you crowd - are you ready to meet him?
CROWD: (Yelling) Yes!
JERRY: Then may I please introduce, the Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader.
[Crowd boos loudly as Darth Vader walks out. As he gets on stage, Luke jumps up in a classic Jerry Springer move, and charges Darth Vader, pummeling him. Darth Vader ignites his lightsaber and prepares to strike Luke but they are both seized upon and separated by the bouncers. They are both told to settle down and are seated across the stage from each other.]
JERRY: Now Lord Vader, Luke and Leia are here because they want to confront you on some issues. Now Luke, what would you like to say to Lord Vader?
LUKE (crying): You killed my father! You killed my friend! You've taken away everything I've ever known! All I want to know now is why?!? Why did you do it?
VADER: I did not kill your father. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
LUKE: (Screaming, angry) He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
VADER: No. I am your father! (Crowd gasps)
LUKE: No! That's not true. That's impossible! (Crying.)
VADER: Search your feelings Luke, you know it to be true!
LUKE: Nooooo! (Screaming as though in agony) No!
JERRY: (To Vader) So, you are saying that you are the boy's father.
VADER: Yes. I am his father.
JERRY: And you abandoned him?
VADER: No, he and my wife were taken away from me - stolen - by Ben Kenobi just after his birth. I was told that he had died during childbirth. He and my wife were the only things I ever loved, and when I lost both of them I had no choice but to turn to evil for solace.
LEIA: (Angry) So why'd you have to take it out on me, huh?!? Putting me on death row, and blowing up my home planet - doesn't seem like a good excuse just because you were angry!
VADER: No young lady, you were on death row because you shot and killed an Imperial Stormtrooper during a routine boarding. That's a capital offence for one, not to mention the young soldiers wife was mortified to find out her husband had been killed. They had three kids you know. Just because I'm evil, doesn't mean that I don't know the meaning of the law.
LEIA: But my home planet.
VADER: That had been scheduled for demolition years ago for a hyperspace bypass. The plans had been in the Imperial Office on Alpha Centari for the past fifty years. Besides, there was no one on the planet when it was demolished. Everyone's home was bought out by the Imperial Government a full ten points above fair market value, and they are all enjoying themselves on various holiday planets throughout the galaxy.
LUKE: But Obi-Wan said he felt like a million souls were crying out to him when the planet was destroyed. He said this as he clutched his chest.
VADER: I knew Obi-Wan for years before you did. Obi-Wan had ulcers, probably from too much stress. And as for you young man, when I finally found out you were alive and began looking for you, I come to find that you are wanted for destruction of government property, among other charges. So don't come on this show thinking like your finally getting your chance to confront me, or that your father never cared for you. I've been looking for you all over the galaxy, and then I come to find out that your hanging out with a bunch of lowlife smugglers and guerrillas, acting like a rebel, and busting up stuff throughout the galaxy. And every time I get close to you, you run away - hiding out in remote planets like Hoth.
JERRY: Okay, let's settle down. Lord Vader, I sense that you want Luke to come home with you. Is this true?
VADER: Yes. (Now Vader to Luke) Come with me, and we shall rule the galaxy as father and son!
JERRY: And is this what you want Luke?
LUKE: No. I will never join you!
VADER: It is the only way.
LUKE: Look, I go through life not knowing what it is to have a father, and when I finally do have one, He won't listen to me - to what I want!
VADER: It is your destiny.
JERRY: Well, I can see that you two still have a lot of things to work out between you. When we come back, we're going to bring out someone who can perhaps shed a bit of light on all of this.
JERRY: And we're back. My guests are Luke, Leia, and Lord Vader; and Luke has just found out that Lord Vader is his father, and is trying to cope with it. How are you feeling Luke?
LUKE: Confused. Betrayed. I mean, all this time I thought he was dead.
JERRY: Well, perhaps we can bring out a man who can shed a little bit of light on all of this. Let's all welcome Obi-Wan Kenobi
[Obi-Wan in holographic form strolls out and sits a few feet away from Luke and Leia and Vader who are all clearly angry with the man. The audience is hushed, anticipating what is to come.]
JERRY: Welcome to the show. Now, you've known each of these people for quite a number of years, is that correct?
OBI-WAN: Yes, I've been a friend of the family for many years. I've known Anakin since he was eight.
VADER: That name no longer has any meaning for me.
OBI-WAN: [continuing through the interruption] and I've known Luke and Leia from the time they were born.
LUKE: (Angry) So why did you lie to me about my father?
OBI-WAN: Well Luke, what I told you was true - from a certain point of view.
LUKE: (Shocked, and with the audience groaning) From a certain point of view?!?
OBI-WAN: Luke, you're going to have to face the fact that some of the truths we all hold dear are true from our own points of view. Vader was seduced.
LUKE: By the dark side of the force?
OBI-WAN: No, no. By the Emperor! You see, Anakin was married at the time to a beautiful young princess, and became involved in a gay love affair with the Emperor.
[Audience groans, and ohhs and ahhs loudly.]
VADER: (admitting his guilt) I called him master.
OBI-WAN: He was torn between his wife and the Emperor, and the Emperor knew as I did that if Anakin were to have any children that they could be a threat to him - and his relationship with Vader. Vader would have spent more time at home and less time with the Emperor had there been any children.
JERRY: And then what happened? Did the Emperor have her killed?
OBI-WAN: No - nothing like that! No, the Emperor merely provided some embarrassing photos of Anakin to his wife, and she immediately left him and then filed for divorce. Anakin tried pursing her, but she merely got a restraining order against him not to come within three parsecs. Once Anakin's ties were severed with his wife, the straight man that was your father was destroyed. He ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and became Darth Vader.
EVERYONE: (Now realizing the truth of it all) Ohhhhh!
OBI-WAN: Your mother, who was pregnant at the time, got custody of unborn children.
LUKE: Children? As in more than one?
OBI-WAN: That's right. Although both of them didn't know it at the time, she later gave birth to twins. A boy and a girl.
VADER: Sister! So, you have a twin sister!
LUKE! (Feeling shocked) Leia! Leia is my sister! (Turns to his "sister" and realizing that he's been having a intimate relationship with her for the last few months, looks pale and sick.)
OBI-WAN: Your insight serves you well Luke. Bury your feelings deep within you.
LUKE: Too late! (Luke throws up - Audiences ewwws in reaction).
LEIA: You mean, that he is my brother?
(Leia throw up.)
LUKE: (Wiping his face) I've got a bad feeling about this.
JERRY: So tell us Ben, what happened afterwards? How did Luke and Leia become separated?
OBI-WAN: Well, as you could imagine, she was devastated after the divorce and in a bit of shock with two new children. She and I shacked up for awhile at my place on Tattoine and learned the ways of the force - love, nature, make love not war - and traveled around in my 3469 volksspeeder bus. She was hip to all the new age philosophies and expanding her mind. We were to be married until she took off an intergalactic smuggler and got into a lot of trouble - I believe they've still on the run. She left me with the kids, but the families of both sides sued for custody when she took off. The courts split the kids, and Luke ended up with Anakin's brother Owen who owned a farm on Tattonie. His family was quite upset with Anakin and had in fact, disowned him when they found out he was gay. They never told Anakin that they had custody of Luke. They were religious people and believed that Luke would grow up to be gay just like his father if Anakin raised him.
Leia and was taken in by her mother's side of the family and raised as a young princess who weren't happy with Anakin's side of the family to begin with. They were Jewish while Anakin's family believed in the power of the Force - Leia's grandfather almost disowned his own daughter when she and Anakin ran off and got married
LUKE: All this is too much. (Turning to Leia) I know we can work this out if we try. I know we can. I still love you very much.
LEIA: (With a guilty face) Luke - I knew this show was going to be about confronting your friends and family, and there is something I need to tell you as well. There's been someone else in my life. (Luke looks away, hurt) Someone you know.
JERRY: (To the audience) Would you all like to meet this mystery man?
AUDIENCE: (Screaming) YES!
JERRY: Please welcome, Han Solo.
[Han walks out on stage and with flowers for Leia, with the audience hooting and hollering. As Han presents Leia with a bouquet of roses, Luke charges him on stage with fists flying. The audience goes wild as the two go at it, but the bouncers finally separate them. Luke is seething.]
HAN: (To Luke) Hey, I've always said "What do you think about a princess and a guy like me!" Believe me pal, we've had a thing going from the very start!
LUKE: (In hatred) "So this is what you meant by "me owing you one?!?" [Luke takes the opportunity to charge again, but is taken down by bouncers. The crowd is roaring again, yelling "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"]
JERRY: Okay. Let's try to settle our differences together now. Now Luke, please listen to me - let's get back to you and your father. You've just found out that your father is alive and clearly wants a relationship with you.
VADER: Come with me. It is the only way.
JERRY: How do you feel about that Luke?
LUKE: I will never join him
VADER: If you will not turn to the dark side (pointing to Leia), then perhaps she will!
LUKE: NO! [Luke ignites his lightsaber, as does Vader and a terrific battle ensues. The bouncers are cut down by the viciousness of the duel, as are some of the guests. Luke overpowers his father, and cuts off his hand - and Vader falls to the floor - defenseless.]
JERRY: Good! Good! Excellent! (Pulling off his mask, revealing himself to be the Emperor shocking everyone) Your hate has made you powerful! Now strike your father down and take his place by my side!
LUKE: Huh?!? (Perplexed)
EMPEROR: (In a clearly effeminate gay voice) Well, it's like Ben once said; your father is more machine now than man; and I need a real man! It was I who set all of this up knowing that you would have no choice but to join us!
LUKE: Well, uh, I will never join you - you've failed your highness - I am straight, just like my father was before me.
EMPEROR: So be it straight-boy! Well, I guess that's about all the time we have for today! Jerry will return next week and we'll meet the wicked women of Jabba's palace! Until next time, take care of yourselves and each other!
Please place credit where credit is due - this story is freely distributable as long as you include who wrote it!
Copyright 1999 by Kenneth Gardner - email@example.com
The faster life gets, the more sense amphetamines make.